Life on the horizon: A self-portrait

Self-portraits are difficult. How deeply do you have to accept who you are in order to stand in front of a camera and bare your soul to a medium that can only portray reality? How do you capture everything you want to say about yourself in a single image?

But time was ticking as my bump grew. I wanted to celebrate this transformative chapter in my life and capture the beauty, strength, and anticipation of motherhood. After weeks of waiting for a sun-filled golden hour to bless the San Francisco coast, I finally found my opportunity this past weekend and convinced Simon to accompany me to my favorite natural backdrop in the area, a little beach nestled between the crashing tide and the dominating cliffside.

The concept of maternity photoshoots have taken on a life of their own as social media has convinced everyone to dress up and memorialize every life moment. I’m all for that, however, most pictures I’ve seen come out uninspired. Photographers have a standard package: golden hour, limited outfit changes, pre-determined poses, a set minimum of photos to deliver. And sure, it’s easy to book a session and get photos “done.” But I wanted to art direct my own portraits.

The making of a portrait

Personally, the story I want to tell is different. Pregnancy is a magical moment in your life when you discover the infinite extent of womanhood, something that connects you to hundreds of thousands of generations before you. Being able to create life is biological, earthly, natural, an elemental force that extends vastly beyond myself, my family, and even humanity itself. For me, depicting the essence of maternity had to be done in the natural landscape against the backdrop of the raw unadulterated earth, untouched by mankind.

One of my greatest photography inspirations continues to be Herb Ritts. His style is characterized by the human shape, not unsimilar to the style of classical Greek sculpture. His portraiture is honest, vulnerable, and captured the essence of his subjects. Back when I spent more time in portraiture, I always spent a lot of energy seeking out subjects to make fine art. I just never thought the opportunity would come to use myself.

I loved this particular beach setting because it gives me everything I need to tell my story. The rocky cliffside becomes a dark backdrop that contrasts pale human skin. It’s earthly, stoic, and textured in a way that adds dimensionality. On the opposite side, soft sunlight illuminates the subject, enveloping the body in a rich glow that contours the face and casts a dramatic shadow. In combination, these natural elements resemble the beauty dish and hand-painted Oliphant backdrop in a high-end photography studio setting.

As for the styling, a piece of chiffon fabric has never failed me. Juxtaposed against the background, the chiffon is in constant motion, forming organic shapes that portray the dynamism of femininity. The fabric allows me to disconnect clothing from anything commercial and maintain the timelessness of the image.

Then we have the female form. The bump is highlighted in this side profile, a symbol of growth, strength, and anticipation. Skin and bones emphasize our primitive humanity, with a soft facial expression that portrays life, the human spirit, and impermanence of our existence in our vast world. We may only be here for a brief second, but we can appreciate the moment.

My only nit is the lack of movement in the hair. Surprisingly, the breeze never picked up during our time at the beach, but I choose to accept nature for what it gives me. It’s only authentic.

Despite everything, this is the portrait I wanted to make. It tells a story beyond myself, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunity to be able to create once again (in more ways than one). Thank you Simon for coming along and being my shutter monkey.

As women, our bodies change extensively throughout our life, but rarely at the speed it does during pregnancy. I’ve kept a close eye on my body image during the last however many months, noticing how my thoughts oscillate between wow, I’m glowing to I look like a whale. To me, this unretouched self-portrait represents courage. It reminds me that even though I look different now, there is still so much beauty in every scar and stretch mark. Even after I become a mom, I can wear my years with pride. I don’t need to look the same to feel whole. I’ll always be the same girl pining to return to the beach so I can run through the sand in my bare feet and celebrate the last rays of sunshine with the same enthusiasm and free spirit.

---