One Year Down

During one of the most transformative years of my life, I experienced the highest highs and lowest lows. As a new parent, learning to care for a baby is the prime example of a project where you’re building the plane as you fly it. You have to stay awake, you cannot afford to mess up, and the plane updates itself every few days. Raising Clover truly been the adventure of our lives. As we celebrate her first birthday, it’s easy to get lost in the cakes, balloons, gifts, and laughter. I want to reflect back on all the not-so-glamorous moments we went through to get to today.

Things we’d had to worry about in her first year

And when I say “worry”, I mean go into full-on crazed Googling, anxiety through the roof, things that caused me to lose sleep on a daily basis.

• Breastfeeding pain, bleeding nipples

• Postpartum high blood pressure

• Postpartum rage and anxiety

• Boundaries with grandparents

• Colic

• Feeding on demand vs. by the clock

• Weight loss and triple feeding

• Witching hour

• When and how the next nap would happen

• Traveling: what to bring and feeding schedule

• Torticolis

• Hives from nighttime weaning (me)

• Anxious about potential 4-month sleep regression

• Distracted and shortened feeds

• Constipation

• Starting daycare

• Transitioning from exclusive breastfeeding to pumping and worrying about whether enough milk

• Starting solids

• 6-month weight percentile drop

• Choking on food

• Reflux

• Can’t roll over

• Getting sick from daycare, norovirus

• Potential gross motor delay

A journal entry at 6 months pp

“Being a new parent has been very anxiety-inducing. I feel like I’ll never be able to relax again because I’m responsible for this helpless, dependent being. Every weird thing she does sends me Googling and spiraling into scary things. Is she sick? Is she hungry? Is this a sign of autism? I’m not a doctor; how am I allowed the responsibility of keeping this kid alive? 

I feel trapped because my body is still providing for her. Because I’m still nursing, I can’t diet, can’t wear the things I want, can’t get lost in “me time” because there is always a feed or pumping session looming in the near future. Can never fully relax and get lost in my thoughts because reality and responsibility is calling. I’m constantly worried about the capacity of my breasts and whether I might leak soon. I miss having no worries in life.

Parenthood feels like momentary happiness. It’s mostly reflective joy. When I look back at old photos, I’m happy and miss those moments. But in the present moment, I am anxious. Her daily schedule is so tight it’s exhausting. Every hour, she’s nursing or drinking a bottle or eating or napping or practicing physical movement. Even when she’s asleep, we’re prepping her meals and bottles, pumping, doing laundry, planning our outings around her naps. And even when you do a good job — an excellent job — for a week, you’re rewarded with continued responsibility. No breaks, no celebration, no reward — the next week comes barreling in. This is our job now, for the rest of our lives… being a parent. (Don’t mess up!)”

But things got better. We emerged out of the newborn trenches around 5-6 weeks and started living some sort of life again at 2 months. Around 7 months, when she got accustomed to daycare, things started becoming more routine and familiar. We got into the groove of things and had resolved a majority of the eating, sleeping, pooping problems. I started to truly enjoying being a parent and cherish the days she spent home with us.

Now, we wake up to the sound her telling a story with babbles. We bring her into our room and snuggle awhile longer. We pick out a cute outfit and feed her the same foods we eat. She plays in the playpen by herself for periods of time and naps consistently. We take her out, and don’t even bring much with us. We read books together. We play piano together. We dance to country music and she giggles out loud when I spin her. She laughs in the bath, and sleeps through the night. When I was newly postpartum, I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me she’d be able to do any of these things eventually. But here we are.

Parenting isn’t a science

There are so many parenting books out there. And websites, Reddit threads, pediatricians, lactation consultants, fellow parents who have done this before. Everyone comes with their own piece of advice. Here’s a list of advice we’ve gotten that did not apply to our baby or our situation whatsoever.

• “Sleep before the baby comes.” No idea that what actually means. Plus I had bad pregnancy insomnia.

• “Sterilize bottles.” We boiled everything before the first use and then never again. Soap and hot water worked just fine.

• “You have enough breastmilk.” No I didn’t. After she started sleeping through the night early on and I weaned off the night feed, I got my period back at 4 months and my supply never recovered.

• “You need to change her diaper every time she pees.” That would mean literal nonstop diaper changes, lol.

• “Try all the different bottles.” She took the first one we offered and we never tried more.

• “It’s really hard to wean off the pacifier.” She loved the pacifier but naturally weaned herself at two months old. Replaced it with her hand/fingers.

• “Have her practice napping in different beds.” She’s been fine in any bed: travel crib, hotel crib, a dogbed on the floor.

• “Just you wait til the terrible 4-month sleep regression.” It didn’t really happen for us.

• “Coterie diapers are the best, they don’t blow out.” They certainly did.

• “ExClUsIveLy breastfed. Do whatever you can to avoid feeding formula.” Why is every breastfeeding website like this? Why are lactation consultants like this? At 6 months, I tried really hard to get my supply back, militantly feeding her every two hours by the block. If EBF comes at the cost of your mental health (for me it was losing sleep), it’s not worth it. We were so relieved once we introduced formula as an option.

• “Pick either baby-led weaning or purees.” I don’t have energy for strict BLW. Nor do I want to watch her gag. We did a mix of whatever felt right at the time.

• “She must have a bedtime routine with a song or book.” No.

• “Feed on cue.” She doesn’t show signs of hunger.

• “Give teething toys.” She didn’t like any of them.

• “It takes a village.” This is controversial. In the early newborn days, it was easier just to watch her ourselves. We took on 100% of childcare responsibilities because although help (from grandparents, etc) is “free”, it comes with guilt, old-fashioned methods we don’t agree with, and unsolicited advice. So we said no thanks.

• “Enjoy every second.” Let me hand you a colicky baby and see if you truly can enjoy every second.

• “Food before one is just for fun.” No, she needed to eat 3 meals of solids a day starting at 6 months to gain weight, which took away from the joy we were having just offering her tastes of new foods. It was an significant amount of work having to make her baby-safe meals and feed her before she developed her pincer grasp and grew teeth.

• “Just burp her, she’ll stop spitting up.” She had reflux until 8 months (!), and it drove me insane. I tried everything. I read every article and piece of Reddit advice, and nothing would help. We just had to wait it out.

• “Daylight savings will ruin her sleep schedule.” It did not.

• “Beware of food allergies. Don’t give a baby egg yolk!” (Or whatever ever common food.) This is no longer common practice, and studies have proven otherwise.

• “[Insert month] is the best time.” This is highly subjective and varies with every baby. Don’t let a stranger tell you how to feel about your baby, just because they’re a certain age. Wonder Weeks is entirely pseudoscience.

So all this is to say, parenting is an art. Every kid is different. You take each stage as it comes, and improvise to the best of your ability. And that’s enough.

A cake-covered face is her happy place, and mine too.

Happy one year, to you, and to us.

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