Starting Therapy and Life Lately

Moments of gratitude from this past month.

I started therapy and boy have I been craving this my entire life. I’ve been my own therapist for the last decade it’s nice to finally have someone get me out of my head and repeat things back to me.

Earlier this week I was talking to her about being bored. When I’m bored I start overthinking. And when I overthink I get tunnel vision and think myself into dissatisfaction and often times, anger. It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself during down time, and immediately start planning the next task, the next goal, the next accomplishment.

“It almost seems like you’re not giving yourself the permission to be happy.”

— My therapist

That stopped me in my tracks. Why is that? I asked myself. Then I remembered that as a child, I wasn’t allowed to be satisfied. From my mom’s perspective, there was always more for me to do, more to achieve, and more accomplished peers to compare myself against. If I ever finished a big task or succeeded at a goal, it was only a matter of time before she asked me “what’s next?” If I ever “played” too much or seemed like I was out of things to do, she’d remind me of all the work I could do to keep busy. There was no down time. There was no rest, recuperation, or taking a breath before the next thing. And that’s how I’ve always lived my life. I never felt satisfied with any accomplishment, no matter how big. I’d check off the box and then make more boxes. That tendency made it very difficult for me to truly take time off, embrace being bored, and accept that it’s okay to recharge.

Looking at my life now, I am happy to have a home.

I am happy to have a career and a job.

I am happy to have job benefits that allows me to do things like invest in wellness and therapy.

I am happy to have a family.

I am happy to have a partner in life.

I am happy to have financial freedom.

I am happy to have my health.

I am happy that I can write about things and express my mind in a forum like this.

I am happy that I have resources to learn, just about anything.

And I am happy where I am. I can do more, accomplish more, but it doesn’t mean I need to do more to be happy. Life lately has been good to me, full of moments I’m grateful for.

There is no reason for me to be dissatisfied or unhappy about anything. And even if something happens, I’ve had enough experience and built enough resilience to get through it. Everything will be okay. :)

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A reflection on blog writing: I haven’t felt very inspired to write lately. Maybe because my emotions aren’t as strong as they used to be in my early 20s. My pace of life doesn’t have that sense of urgency and desperation from back when I was trying to prove myself to everybody all the time. In life and work, I’m shifting towards quality over quantity. It’s not about the amount of creative work or projects I can squeeze into one year. It’s not about the amount of places I travel to, or different activities I try. It’s not about being the “best.” Instead of developing myself in a way that maintains a certain image by overcompensating, I'm looking to find more personal satisfaction in my work and play.

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