Photo by Luis Descanzo

Photo by Luis Descanzo

I'm constantly so focused on the present and future I forget about the past. And I mean like forget forget. I have so many goals to work hard towards and it's really difficult for me to pause that momentum to reflect on the past. 

These past few months I've been in crazy job search mode. And with that includes portfolio-building, working on projects, turning my website (my artistic soul) into what recruiters want to see, and trying to become a cookie-cutter "designer" so I can fit in and live that Bay Area tech life. I've been focusing so much on my career I've just about completely lost touch with who I am.

I used to have passions. I was utterly in love with photography and brought happiness and confidence into the world with my camera. I created what I loved without expectations and I played. I created art with others and I inspired people to do the same. I blogged my journey and shared my honesty and passion with the world. I created some of my best work and I had so much fun doing it.

I don't know if it's adulthood or the real world affecting me, but after New York and deciding to pivot my career I've stopped having fun. 

Tonight, the night before a big interview, I spent my time scrolling through my Facebook timeline instead of preparing for said interview. I see all the photos I took of my friends and the praise in their captions. I feel the love. I remember all those shoots and think back to a time when I was busting ass but having the time of my life. I was unapologetically owning 100% of who I was: a passionate girl who may have been foolish but knew what she love and did what she loved.

Fast forward to the present day. I don't even know what I love anymore. I can't remember the last thing I created for fun. Or the last time I was inspired. I work on brand identity and marketing at work but I don't even know my own identity. 

Is this what adulthood is? Does the real world turn you into a puppet? Another cog in the machine? I don't really have an answer. All I know is that I'm nostalgic.